Realities, and How to Slip Into Them

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, and sometimes I wonder if it's something right. Sometimes I wonder if I feel things more intensely than those around me, pick things up that other miss. really understand the world in a way that others don't. And sometimes I wonder if the things I feel that affect me to such a degree, other people feel as often as I do, but do know how to process it, integrate it into their lives. What I look at and become enraptured in, trying to figure out exactly why I'm feeling the way I do just by looking at it, the people walking with me feel the same, but know how to move on, or know how to find an answer for themselves.

From what I can tell, it's like how people feel in museums. That sense of simultaneous inclusion and separation, that desire to understand, to see an artifact in its original state, used how it was intended. The awe at seeing the great works of art. And the desire to understand how things were created, what their creator intended their proper usage to be.

But I hear very little of people feeling this way about everyday life. People stand enthralled by a sunset, or completely floored by the Grand Canyon, and there are artistic people who like to capture nature in writing and photographs. But I've always heard of this as a positive thing. People being able to see the beauty in the world around them has never been the curse of the artist in my albeit limited experience of the world. Their feeling of separation from people who are better at processing the secular world is often how the depression of the artist is said to originate. But, while I often struggle with that very same thing, it is not what has dogged the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. I've heard of people being frustrated by not being able to express how they feel, and that feels much more in line with what is frustrating me.

I have been vague about what exactly makes me feel like I do, and how exactly I feel. And this is partially due to the fact that I do not yet know how to express it. And that is almost the heart of the issue. The true heart of the issue is that I do not know what I am feeling, and the hard shell around that is not knowing how to convey it to other people. You don't have to have the former for the latter if you want to give off a general sense of what is happening to somebody, everybody can imagine what "a love beyond words" may feel like, but if one's primary goal should be to explain that love, then, well, the words must be found. And so now, I will try to find those words, and hopefully people can tell me that I am not, in fact, suffering from some sort of cognitive issue, but either completely normal, or just incapable of processing the world.

It most often starts with a walk from the inside to the outside. The relative dark or relative light gives the eyes a moment to adjust, and you're in a new world. A world that you've been in before, a parking lot you've been in hundreds, if not thousands of times. But something is different. Your eyes have adjusted. You know it's not the light. You look around, and everything is different. Different, but the same. Everything is in the same place, the cars drive the same speed, the clouds are the same way the were when you entered the building. But something is different.

You see this place, for a moment, as though you have never seen it before, but also know every detail. And it's terrifying. Terrifying not because you fear your surroundings, but terrifying because it's so new, and so similar, and you know you'll never really be able to convey just what is filling your chest right now, and you'll never be able to convey what you're seeing to other people. Not, of course, because they won't understand it, but because you are an inadequate channel through which what you're seeing should flow. But you know that's what should be done. From the first time you've felt this way, you've longed to make sure that other people share in this moment, can feel this intensely as you do.

Because in those moments, you feel as though you could so easily slip away. You feel as though you are somewhere different. If you keep walking, you'll go back. So you stop moving, turn in a circle, and observe, soaking it all in. You know you're physically in the same place, but it's often so strong, you wonder if the physical location matters. If that even defines your reality. But you don't know what does. All I know is what I experience. And that what I feel scares me. This is becoming long, and I'm going to have to accept that I will have to continue to try to explain myself at separate times. But before I leave you, I would like to use an example to clarify.

Several years ago, I traveled to Elon, North Carolina to visit my cousin at college. One of the first nights I was there, she was giving me a tour. I cannot for the life of me remember where we were, but it was by some outdoor theatre on the Elon campus. As we were walking toward the place where the swing dance classes were held, I saw the moon hung over a building, sliding gently between the clouds. And I stopped, and I stared. I remember looking at it and thinking just how gorgeous it was, just how much I wanted to be able to perfectly evoke that image with my writing. I looked closely, moved angles, to get the perfect image in my head. And this is not at all like what I'm speaking of. When this was happening, I felt firmly grounded in reality. This was Earth's moon, this was Elon's moon. And that is what I wanted to capture. I know that this is not one of these moments because I remember it so clearly. I feel awe both in and outside of these occasions.

I tried to capture one of these moments in a piece of writing once, two years ago. I failed miserably. The writing was okay, just not what I wanted. Maybe I'll post it anyway.

Please let me know if this is a fundamental thing all people experience and I just never knew, or something else. I apologise for this posts sloppy nature, I just decided I needed to begin writing about it if I ever hope to convey what I want to. So I'll continue trying to explain how I view the world, even if it is very common. Also, please let it be known that I (As people who know me will back up) do not think myself special, in fact, I can't quite seem to grasp thinking I'm worth anything at all. I say this out of ignorance and confusion, rather than wishing to be different or special. In fact I'm feeling more and more certain that this is completely natural, and I just don't know how to process the world. And I'm going to keep typing apparently, because as long as I'm typing, I don't have to have the courage to hit "publish". But, once you admit to your reason for adding useless filler, it's much harder to continue. Still not impossible though. Especially to one as accustomed to filling silences as I.

The things I know I want to elaborate on at this point: The intensity to which certain sensations can bring on vivid ideas and images, and a need to make them be real; the relation to this and reading, how it differs and is similar.

Okay. There's my rant. Roast me please, at least I'll be enlightened.

Grace

3/4 Spinster